my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
