Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
