I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
