doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
