sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
