You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
