I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
