every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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