I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
