why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
