So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
