How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am available for nakedness
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
