Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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