I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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