actually, I'm a sock model
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
