My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
