I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
