I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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