You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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