I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
