I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
