he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
