omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Randomize
