i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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