I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
