I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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