There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
