Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
40s are totally the cure
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
