when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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