I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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