I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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