I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
