After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
