remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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