I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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