you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
