just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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