Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
