She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
