I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I would ride that face into the sunset
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
