Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
