They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
