i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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