DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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