wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
