peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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