WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
