In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is the high leading the old right now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
