she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are the jesus of drinking
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
