The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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