There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.