I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
