On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
