atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
