um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
