She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
