I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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