Did you just see the Batmobile???
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
