He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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