I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
